You know when you search and look and hope and pray for something your whole life, only to be in complete and utter denial once you get it? That is where I am right now, where I am every day throughout this whole pregnancy. God has graced me with something so miraculous, so wonderful and I am still without words to describe its awesomeness. Seriously. Rafal and I had been trying since Christmas of 2009 to give Dylan a baby brother or baby sister. After the first six months I chalked it up to my birth control screwing up my system, at the first year I just blamed it on some stresses with massage school. When October of 2011 came around I cried a lot, and finally "Gave it to God" and told Him I understood we were not meant to have any more babies in this life and I would stop being so sad about it. I figured maybe my calling was adoption, which I have always longed to do either way. Some of my readers may know what its like to think "Oh my gosh! Maybe this is the month!" and spend hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests just to end up crying again because the dreaded period started again. I just wanted another baby so bad. November I started talking with my close friend Veronica about all the PROS of not having another baby, and it helped a lot. I enrolled in school full time and got excited about a possible internship in the spring. I talked about us being able to travel this summer to Poland and Europe! It started to sound fun just having Dylan as an only child. Then on a night surrounded by God himself we conceived my precious baby girl. In fact, we know the exact day that it happened, and the best part is I blogged about it on here.
[Day 59]
*If you want to look it up, its not graphic at all, thats not how I roll*
Yesterday couldn't have been a more perfect day. I think that every day
should be just as lovely. Kissing in parking lots is romantic, but
kissing barefoot in your own kitchen with Christmas music playing and
the smell of cookies filling the air is priceless. I am so blessed.
That is the last paragraph of the entry... Yesterday couldn't have been a more perfect day <3 God gave us Baby Maya in those moments as I typed that post. I feel so blessed to have written about it and have it to show her one day, how she was made in true love and happiness. There was no hope left in me, I was not thinking about it at all. It just happened.
I remember I was late, and thought to myself, only one day late, it'll start tomorrow. Then sure enough my cramps started and I was like yep, told ya so. When I woke up the next day and still no sign of my "dear friend" [haha] I decided to pee on a stick, only because I had three left from my last hopeful experience and I just wanted to get rid of them. So I peed and we left for the day to do some storage auctions. I never even looked at it, just left. That's how you know you've really given up.
We were out all day and I kept having to pee, I even said to Rafal, what the heck was in that coffee we had, I never have to pee and I have had to pee all day today! That should've been my first clue. When we got home I glanced at it before throwing it in the trash and I saw a faint line, and I thought
Noooooo.
So I took another one and sat there and watched it.
I watched it turn to one line, and then to the other line.
Still in denial, I took that third test.
I squealed when it TOO was positive.
I had a million thoughts in my mind in that instant. I couldn't do anything but run out to Rafal. I wish he would've been holding a camera to get my expression on record [haha] I walked out in to the livingroom holding a test in my hand behind my back and just stood in front of him smiling at him. He said "What is it?" and I just handed it to him and he said "Whats this?"
...silence...
"Wait. Baby, what is THIS?!?"
and he started smiling so big.
We hugged and hugged and hugged Dylan too, and even though he didn't know why at the time I had to include him in our happiness. It was perfect. Everything was perfect.
Everything is perfect.
Everyday is perfect.
Even when it's not, it still really, truly is.
Thank you God for your amazing blessings. I thank you every day.
<3
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